Let me start of by saying that this is satire. And this should be read with that idea in mind. It is intended to be humorous. Nothing more. Ok?
As long as we understand one another, you can keep reading...
If not, please push ALT + F4 now. :-)
Common Man's Dictionary to Real Estate Advertising
1 car garage: Sure, you can drive your Ford Escort into the garage but there is no room to open the door.
Advertisement: A tool used by business to get money out of people that don't have it for something that they don't really need.
And much, much more: Truthfully, nothing else comes to mind. But, we can't tell you that.
Auditor: Person that arrives after battle to finish off the wounded.
Bank: Loan shark.
Beachfront property: No hurricane insurance available at any price.
Bedroom in basement: The basement has a 1' by 2' window you might be able to squeeze yourself through as an alternative to burning to death in a structure fire.
Bright and sunny: No window treatments or venetian blinds are included because previous owners simply nailed Pikachu blankets to the window frames.
BRILLIANT CONCEPT: Do you really need a two-story live oak tree in your 30-foot stained-glass sky dome?
Broker: What buying a house is going to make you.
Budget: Written proof that you can't afford the things you want.
Build sweat equity: The house is not habitable currently and unless you plan on working your hind end off to make it livable, it would be easier to bulldoze this place and live in a tent.
Cape Cod: Stylized after a 74 yr old lobster fisherman's garage.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Cathedral Ceiling: You will go broke trying to heat this place. It would be easier to set fire to the couch.
Charming: Small. See also, "Tiny". Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See also "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
Close to all amenities: The backyard is a shopping mall parking lot.
Close to Schools: You will spend a generous portion of your morning and evening commute stuck behind buses in just about every street you attempt to take to avoid them.
Comfortable: One coat closet larger than the "Charming" home.
Commuter's Dream: Located at the bottom of an off-ramp right beside a truck stop.
Completely Remodeled: Not only does this statement give the company attorney a stroke, it also usually means new kitchen counter tops and a vanity sink in the bathroom.
Complete remodeling in 1992: Hurricane Andrew...'nuff said.
COMPLETELY UPDATED: At the advise of the listing agent, the seller has decided to remove the metallic gold shag carpeting from the living room and replaced the avocado colored stove.
Contemporary: The house is at least 15 years old.
Country living: Too far from anywhere to drive to work...or to shop...or get to an emergency room in time to prevent bleeding out from a paper cut.
Country in the city: A grotesquely overpriced large lot with a 2 bedroom house built before World War I that used to be on 100 acres that have been split off and sold to a Home Depot and a car dealership. Yes, there is a Starbucks in the parking lot.
Cozy: Not a single room could fit a full sized bed. And, the toilet doubles as a kitchen counter when you close the lid.
DARING DESIGN: It's a warehouse.
Desirable neighborhood: This "charming" house is extravagantly overpriced thanks to being located next to a neighborhood where the snobs live.
Doll-house: Tiny place filled with ugly knick-knacks.
Easy Care Yard: Acres of Red or White rock used to systematically cover actual useful space.
Easy freeway access: Located right on the noisiest arterial street closest to the freeway.
Easy to heat: See “cozy”.
Efficiently designed kitchen: The kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same time and everything you need to reach is simply done so by turning around. The down side is that in order to open the stove, you have to step into the living room.
Everything's Been Updated: Sure, they updated all the things inside the house...but the house itself has been condemned.
Executive neighborhood: Everyone's last name in this area is Jones. And yes...you are required to keep up with them.
Extra Storage: Four coat hooks nailed on the back of the front door.
Gated Community: There is a reason it is gated...Every seen 'District 9'???
Great Starter Home: House has 4 rooms. Two of which are additions.
Handyman Special: Forget It! You don't have the skill required to make this home livable.
HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY: Lots of steel shelving with little holes. You know...the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement. There is also a lot of glass in places most people wouldn't put it.
Wont last long!: This home hasnt sold in 374 days after two price reductions and the sellers have finally given up hope on making any money on this sale so they dropped the price another $20K.
Immaculate: Remove your shoes. Chances are the carpet is white along with the walls, furniture, cabinets, appliances, and the family pet.
In-city living: The house comes with a deadbolt lock on all windows, a bar across the door capable of stopping a battering ram...and a moat. Being outside in this neighborhood after dark will probably require an armed escort.
Institutional Investor: A active housing investor from 2006 who is now locked up in a mental institute.
Just available: The previous owner just died on the premises. That is the only way anyone would want to sell a home in this market unless they are trying to save a foreclosure. Hope you don’t believe in ghosts.
Large family room: The basement can hold a couch and a chair...which is more than can be said for the living room. Just try to keep the kids from eating the exposed insulation.
Lots of storage space: The basement is too small to be called a family room.
Low maintenance lot: No yard. The kids will have to play in the street. Or, maybe in the shopping mall parking lot.
Luxury Living: It has a Jacuzzi tub. It's leaning against the wall of the garage. But, at least it has one.
Market Correction: The day after you buy a house.
MUCH POTENTIAL: Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and actually believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."
Must see inside: Yeah...that's cause the outside is ugly.
MUST SEE TO BELIEVE: An absolutely accurate statement. It is hard to drive that kind of pain home through the eye without actually using a sharp instrument and a forceful thrust.
Market Correction: The term your broker/agent uses for a market crash while telling you that your house is worth 37% of what you paid for it.
Meticulously maintained in the original condition: The avocado-colored appliances are 50 years old. Minimum.
Modern: It doesn't have a dirt floor and it is insulated with something other than beaver pelts and flour sacks.
Motivated sellers: Subtract 15% from the asking price and see if they counter. 
Natural setting: Forget about planting anything because the deer will eat everything in your yard but the sagebrush and knapweed.
Near transportation: an Amtrak train goes through the backyard roughly every 15 minutes, day and night.
Neighborhood Watch: Your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your house. Your movements are tracked and reported to the police any time you have company.
Newly remodeled kitchen: The 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents.
Nice Condition: Apparently "nice" means different things to different people. See also: "Lipstick on a pig".
Nighttime Security: The street lights located on all corners of the home completely eliminate darkness 24 hours a day. Sleep is impossible.
No need to preview: Yeah, because if you did, you wouldn't show it!
Old charmer: Herbert from Family Guy lives next door.
ONE-OF-A-KIND: Ugly as sin. The neighbors hope the place burns down so their property value goes up.
Park-like setting: There is a tree located somewhere on this block.
Partial mountain view: You can see the tip of (insert name of local mountain) if you climb the roof and stand on a chair.
Pet friendly neighborhood: Various forms of organic matter are constantly deposited in your front lawn despite the fact that you don't own any pets.
Plenty of Parking: The stadium across the street has ACRES of parking spaces available.
Practicing Water Conservation: Yeah, the lawn is died. No one watered it. Ever. (Thank you Steve and Heather Ostrom!)
Prestigious: Expensive. Probably not worth it, either.
Prime Location: We have already had better offers from more qualified people than you...don't ask.
Quaint: Buy a wall paper steamer so you can get that crap off the wall without having to gut the entire place.
Ready to move in: The interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint and the shag carpeting has been raked and shampooed.
Ready to remodel: This place is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in. Seen the movie "The Money Pit"??
Recreation room with wet bar: Basement has been sheet-rocked, painted and has a faucet.
Reduced To Move: See also: "Walmart Rollback"
Rent With Option to Buy: We know you wont be able to qualify for crap...But, if you can make steady payments, it works for us.
Safe Neighborhood: Regardless of your attempts at privacy, your neighbors will continue to attempt to peer through the slits in your Venetian blinds. See also: "Neighborhood Watch"
Seasonal creek: There is a 4 foot wide, 6 inch deep muddy ditch that runs across the property...And it only fills up after a good rain or during spring thaw.
Secluded setting: The only thing further away from civilization is a polar ice cap. Grizzly Adams once lived here.
Show and Sell: In other words, the listing agent will be doing no marketing and the stubborn seller doesn't want it staged.
Shows Well: The seller actually cleans the place up before you bring your buyers over.
Sophisticated: Plain. White walls with zebra print rug and furnishings. A large piece of abstract art is in the dining room and a canvas the size of a Chevy hangs on the wall covered in what appears to be pantyhose, tin foil, and computer diskettes.
Spacious: We knocked out a wall and expanded the living room into the garage.
Sprawling ranch: Inefficient floor plan that appears to have been designed by a drunk monkey.
Storybook: This house is old and the roof is not flat. See also: "Little House On The Prairie"
Stunning house: The house is not ugly...the interior, on the other hand...
Sunny corner lot: There are no trees anywhere near this property located on the corner of the two busiest streets in town.
Sunken Tub: The tub isn't sunken...it fell through the floor. The remaining structure is only capable of holding water or a body. Not both.
Territorial view: Great view of your neighbor’s bedroom window and "private" hot tub with the glass roof. If you lean hard against the glass and look hard to the left, you can see a broken down Pontiac in the alley.
Three season sun room: Putting screen up around your front porch does not make it a "sun room".
TLC: Tear down, Level and Condemn!! (This after a Realtor told me her country property needed just a little TLC...Upon visiting, I promptly fell through the front porch up to my knees!)
Townhouse: A 3 story walk-up on the north side that is sandwiched between two others that look exactly the same. Not only can you hear your neighbors fight, but you hear when they play music, watch TV, use the bathroom, or blink.
Tudor: A quaint two bedroom where both bedrooms are now in the attic which is not insulated.
UNIQUE CITY HOME: Used to be a warehouse.
UPPER BRACKET: No, this doesn't include you. See also: "Executive Neighborhood" and "Prestigious"
Usable land: Vacant lot. Probably filled with broken glass, nails, large rocks, bicycle parts, and Jimmy Hoffa.
Victorian Sweetheart: Once you steam off the wallpaper, you will need to strip off 14 layers of lead-based paint.
Walking distance to (insert noun here): There is nowhere to park your car within 20 minutes of this house.
Well Below Market: We keep having to reduce the price on this shanty because nobody wants it.
Will Help Finance: Soooo....the owners know they're asking too much. And, taking that into consideration, they are more than willing to "help" you get into this house that you can not qualify on your own.
YOU'LL LOVE IT: No. No, you wont.
Feel free to add your own in the comments!!! Id love to see them!!
Follow Clint on Twitter and make sure you go to the RECR fanpage and become a fan!! If you have any questions about RECR, please call Clint at 800-977-7058.
Actually seen this: Sunken Tub: The tub isn't sunken...it fell through the floor. The remaining structure is only capable of holding water or a body. Not both.
Dude, you're freakin hiliarious!
Matt -- No way!! LOL!! That is just too funny. Thanks for the compliment! :-)
LOL this was a hoot!
Lesley -- Thanks! :-) Glad you liked it.
I love it! Of course, I don't ever use these but I have seen them done. Way to start off a Friday morning :) TGIF
-Monica
Monica -- LOL! Riiiiight. ;-) hahahaha
Some good ones - like TLC, haha. and the mobile home mansion pic is quite cool.
Steve -- TLC actually happened to me! Tore a pair of pants. The trailer mansion is hilarious!! :-)
That's like the trailer park Taj Mahal...I almost wish I would've thought to organize such a spectacle before they did it.
Nice post Clint, its scary how many of these are true and also how often they're used.
MY favorite is a comment in the MLS won't last long and it shows it has been on the market or over a year.
This one will be worth retweeting periodically; hilarious and too extensive to enjoy in one sitting. Nice, Clint.
Austin -- Yeah, thats one of my favorite vacation homes. :-)
Terry -- Exactly! :-)
Rich -- Yeah, it's a long one. But......when have you ever seen a short dictionary, I ask you? ;-)
You covered the bases I really got a bunch of laughs out of this . Thanks a bunch for this
Charlie -- Happy to hear that, my friend! :-)
LOL - thanks for some Friday funnies!! I really love the "and much, much more"....
Nancy -- You are quite welcome! Have a great weekend!
Ah! The garage. I previewed a townhome in Ashburn VA last year where the garage was exactly 6.5 feet deep.
Bedroom in basement?? Sure, interior finished room with no window, no closet, etc. It should have read "cell.
This is a priceless post. Thanks for the chuckles.
Thanks for the laugh. (Did hurricane Andrew hit Missoula?)
Lenn -- That really means a ton to me coming from you! :-) Thank you!
Mike -- We were a bit detached from Andrew...LOL! Just picked a year and it happened to match. Plus, it was funny. ;-)
Clint -- you got a lot of time and effort in this post -- classic work -- thanks for sharing
JE
Clint, This is great. Thanks for taking the time to publish it.
Jason -- Not as much as you would think. ;-) Snark is something I specialize in... ;-)
Ted -- My pleasure! Thank you!
Clint:
This is very funny. I also find that male agents describe things differently. They will say "updated kitchen" without telling you what century that occured.
Carol -- Thank you so much! hehe @updated kitchen!
Clint...I can barely respond I am laughing so hard! So how exactly am I supposed to word the ads for my listings? LOL Do you think "money pit with little potential, impossibly small rooms and no where to put your toothbrush" will get buyers through? LOL
Guess it's time to review my write-ups. You know, "just in case" :)
Enjoyed and marvel at how many of the tongue in cheek comments come so close to the truth. IE: and much, much more.
Connie -- Excellent! :-) That is the most awesome thing I have read EVER!! :-) Thank you for that!!!
Roger -- Awesome! :-)
Lorraine and Loretta -- Ya know, a ton of them come really close to the truth, I know. :-)
I so want the blue condo, 3rd floor on the right. Does it come with propane heat?
Michael -- That one is currently spoken for...but, I can get you a screaming deal on the little orange one right under it. ;-)
Thank you for this excellent glossary. I'll be sure to refer to it when authoring my next listing description. By the way, what's satire? September birthstone?
Mike -- September it is. :-) Good call. :-)
Clint, LOL!!! My personal favs are the definitions of cozy, budget (hits home) and TLC!!!!!!
Keep up the great posts!
kp
HILARIOUS hahah this gave me a good laugh for a friday, thanks for informing me of all the phrases I can use to "describe" my next property lol.
Karen -- Thank you so much. :-) I hope to be turning out good posts for a long time. :-)
Thomas -- Thanks, man! Happy to lighten up your Friday. :-)
Oh, Clint, what a dim view you take of us all! I have purposefully used words like "cute" and "charming" over the last 4 weeks to describe an unredeemably small, horrible home. I'd rather NOT show it than watch the disappointment on the hopeful-but-exhausted potential tenants. Ah, life in the Rental Trenches!!
Clint, thanks for the laugh. An agent of an overpriced listing just called me the other day to say her sellers "will help finance", and I've never seen a home advertised "won't last" ever sell in less than 120 days. Ssome of these really ring true, thanks for sharing.
Clint - OMG that is sooooo hilarious!!! I really needed to chuckle today, THANKS! ;-)
Juliet -- No! Not a dim view at all..didnt you read the first line of the post??? LOL @ you using the same words for the same reasons, tho! :-)
Dan and Amy -- So happy you got the jokes. :-)
Jeanna -- I am pleased that you liked it! :-)
Can I get a copy in hardcover and paperback?
Clint!
What a crack up! You are good you! No no! You're good! :-)
Charita -- Highlight and print and you can make as many copies as you want. :-)
Wendy -- Thanks! Glad you liked it. ;-)
Clint, thanks for posting this! I needed a really good laugh!
Ed -- Im happy you had a good time reading it. My pleasure!
Clint...
If you keep your tongue in your cheek long enough, it will grow hair :)
TLW...ROAR!
Hey...
I alt f'd myself and nothing happened. Who's responsible for that? :)
TLW...ROAR!
Pool:
A broken down pick up with a tarp in the truck bed.
TLW...ROAR!
TLW -- I love you more than chocolate, you know that?? Love seeing you on my blogs, darling!
TLW -- And it is ALT+F4...only works on a windows machine. Not a Mac...and it should shut down your entire browser. :-) At least, it does for me.
You put WAY too much time into this!!! LOL I love the part about the toilet doubling as the kitchen counter when the lid is down. I can't stop laughing...
Stacie -- not as much as you would think. Snark is one thing that comes pretty easy to me. :-)
Clint:
I think someone should have a contest featuring the worst ads about a home. I can think of lots of things to do to be really creative. For instance we could have flow-thru ventilation and show a home with broken windows!!! he he. Also, how about a contest for the worst virtual tour. That would be right up my alley. I must have too much time on my hands today.
This post is awesome. I joke with buyers sometimes about words in the listings such as "cozy" (too small), etc. but this takes it to a whole new level.
Here's my favorite: One day following the map to go preview a new listing... after driving for 10 miles one way on a dirt road next to a river I stopped the car and looked at the listing and reread the description. It said "extreme privacy on 10 acres..." I just started cracking up right there.
PS. I did not realize there was such a thing as a multi-level double wide mansion!! Wow.
Oh gosh - LOL. I have one more Free Flowing. Hilarious. I too have to reblog. :) ~Rita
Hey I just showed that house the other day?
Great...now every time I write one of these in my marketing remarks, I'm going to feel like a goob. LOL
I've shown several "quaint", "close to amenities" and "country living" houses in my career. This was great!
Congrats on the feature Clint and that is a huge list!
VB ;o)
LOL great list. I did one of these a while back but you've dominated my list 10 fold. I will pass this along to a realtor friend though. I think she will appreciate this.
Cracking me up.
LOVE IT!! I read each one outload to my husband and I am in tears. :)
Budget: Written proof that you can't afford the things you want.
If I knew what would happen if I hit "reblog" I would! Am I allowed to copy and paste this into an email to some of my Real Estate friends? We can drink and laugh over these for hours!
Don't forget, "Diamond in the Rough"= This house has great potential with alot of time and money. And much, much more ---to true when your speechless.
This is great! Parked!
Excellent. Now when I am challenged with a property description, I'll have a resource.
CLINT: Seriously too many laughs here. I've got to bookmark! BTW I author our company's rate sheet and would love to borrow a few...Is that O.K.? I would happily give credit. ~Doug
Thanks for a good laugh this evening. Loved the picture of the mobile homes.
Clinet: you will be immortalized by some of these. Funnnnnnnnnnnnny. Thanks.
Very funny, Clint. I am guilty of this myself, but "first time on the market" and "orginal owner". I don't know, pictures of the Adams Family flast before my eyes.
Thanks for the post. Had to smile on a bunch of points. So it is about the words? (kidding)
Very funny Clint, thanks for the post. Some are even a little uncomfortably close to the truth.
Clint,
This post is hilarious and so close to the truth! Really great observations..thanks for your wit..many chuckles this morning!
Clint:
This is fabulous. I warn buyers about some of these descriptions. "Charming" always means small and "commuter's dream" - there is a highway roaring by the back yard.
Fun, fun, fun..a great laugh for the week. I know I have used some of these. I will be watching myself from now on. Thanks, Clint.
Clint,
Clearly you worked on this for quite some time! Thanks for a laugh.
Clint, absolutely too funny! Hit the spot after 2 days in buyers representative class this week. Here in eastern NC "unrestricted, no covenents" means that trailer mansion is across the street. Noticed you gave permission to reprint yesterday. Does that hold for the rest of us?...now to come up with something nice for a new listing today...um?
This post is the greatest satire since Gullivers Travels. You put a lot of work into it. It makes me want to do a post about cliches in listings. My favorite of course is "Must see inside", Duh!
What about "rustic charm?" Use your imagination for that definition.
Clint, I am amazed at the mansion photo, LOL. I could live there, but might have to put elevators in as I get older...
I have been forced to use "for the purist at heart" after much agonizing over what to say. It killed me, but sometimes you have to say something that the sellers won't shoot you over.
And what does that exactly mean? It has never been touched, no upgrades since they moved the outdoor toilet inside. Or mabye not even, if you know what I mean.
I will refer to your list as appropriate. Of course not for MY advertising, but more for the reading of others. I would nevah... ok, except for the whole purist thing...
Great post!
Clint: This is a really cute collection of definitions. Some of them were really pretty clever. Some even made me smile... :) Have a Great Saturday !
Words that you see in every listing: large, beautiful, grand...Wonder what those mean?
Side note to the mobile home mansion: I have actually seen something similar but made out of OLD REFRIGERATOR CRATES! I won't mention where I saw it...too embarassing!
So true!
Xposure Real Estate Photography -- www.PropertyXposure.com
Lol, Clint, this cracked me up. Thanks for a good laugh!!! :-D
Great post. You took the time to come up with all of this? Wow, just shows you how much we can do when we apply ourselves!
Very funny....great way to start my weekend. Love the picture of the multi-level trailer park. Great, great, great!
Chuckle... You left out "Rustic"-If you're a forty-niner who likes gold panning this is for you. (For those of you in other parts of the country...CA had a gold rush in 1849)
Funny! Sadly, we all know someone in our local association that should receive a copy of this blog post anonymously.
Nice list and very funny. I really enjoyed the laughs. Thank you.
How about EASY TO SHOW: No Lockbox. Call listing agent. 24-hour notice required. No showings before noon weekdays. No Sat-Sun showings. Do no let pets in or out. Do not use front door.
Fabulous list--thanks for the laugh! How about "nature abounds"...squirrels in the attic, mice in the walls and skunks under the porch.
OMG I love these!
I saw an honest description the other day on some....thing.....that I guess is a house: "NO PLUSH AND PROBABLY NO FLUSH". I'm still cracking up! Hey, at least they aren't fluffing it up! Good for that agent!
Here are a couple more.
TLC..Tons of Liquid Cash
Natural skylight..needs a roof.
Indoor pool..basement leaks.
Indoor outhouse..self explanatory.
...and my favorite of all of these...And much, much more: Truthfully, nothing else comes to mind. But, we can't tell you that. and also TLC Tear down, Level, and Condemn. Alot of truths here as well.
Thank you
Ha Ha! Here's one for you - "Country Paved" for those rutted, rocky dirt roads leading up to their future dream home.
I really needed a laugh today so this is great! I have one for you that I actually saw in a listing "Fortune teller says this is a lucky house." Oh..and one more from a couple of years ago advertising that the home "came with a bomb shelter." Yikes!
Great post. I have heard variations of some of these, but you have taken it to whole new level,
Up here we sell "typical Maine homes" that means a shack that has been gradually added onto for 100 years, and nothing is to code.
But "Broker" that kills me. I am gonna post some of these on my FB page.
Clint,
Hilarious! Love it when agents put "Won't Last Long" and it has been on the market for hundreds of days.
Clint
Thank you for all the tips on writing up my listings, if I could use 10 or 12 of those for each listing, I might be on to something!
Ty
This is brilliant!
I wish you could see the Wisconsin MLS descriptions! Nine out of ten include laundry lists of wildlife in and around the property. Most have no interior photos. Many include ten+ pics of sunsets and or the wildlife.
As a Chicago-to-the-backwoods transplant, I found many truths in your post. Love it!
@ John in # 93: My friend... all that stuff you put in the bottom of your comment is way over the edge, and in violation of the Active Rain Community Guidelines. It is considered COMMENT SPAM. It is not fair to promote yourself in the comment space on someone else's blog post.
This is Clint's post. Please be fair. All I can think of, without checking, is that you must be new to Active Rain, and don't know the rules.
If that is the case... my apologies.
Trying to make the best of some homes you have to use creative language!!!
By far the best compendium of 'listing speak' . 'TLC' ftw
Great list Clint! And I love that trailer photo!
You guys all rock so hard!! Thank you for all of the kind words!! So much appreciated!! :-)
Clint - How about "GREAT BONES": It is still standing but needs serious updating. Thanks for the hilarious list.
nice! we see so many of these terms used every day in the MLS listings - often with very different meanings!
You are hilarious. I'd like to see the MLS listings after all have read your blog!
Have a great day.
IMG -- It would be boring, i think. ;-)
Lot's of time on your hands in the winter in Missoula, eh Clint?
LOL! Those are great! "You'll love it" cracks me up as much as "Won't last long!"
Jeffrey -- Not so much, really. :-)
Nicole -- Glad you enjoyed it.
Love the list...gated community "District 9" LOL
Ritu -- Have you seen that movie??? LOL!!!
My absolute favorite: Move in Ready. Yeah, right. After you get all the high priority issues on the inspection report completed.
I needed a good laugh and I am amazed that you were able to create this entire thing. Way to go! I have to forward to my office.
Very good. I think you covered everything.